Dark Comedy: You know you've been playing to much
by SPG inc
Summary: A bit more crude than my usual stuff I'm afraid, but still a laugh. Me struggling to discover the secrets behind Dark Cloud


_**The third installment in the Dark Comedy series, written from my POV. BTW, if anyone would like to make a comedy fic under this series title, you're welcome, provided you ask me first. **_

**Dark Comedy:**

**You know you've been playing too much**

So there I was, beginning to wish I'd never heard of Level 5.

In a disturbingly dark room, I sat facing an assortment of characters from Dark Cloud and Dark Chronicle. Toan, Paige, Monster Rat, Seda, Dark Genie, Max, Gaspard, Monica, Sirus and Elena, sat in goodie-baddie order to keep things fair. There had been some complications with this arrangement as Gaspard and Sirus complained they had turned over a new leaf and were no longer bad, Paige insisted on sitting next to Toan more strongly then he insisted she sit the opposite end of the line, while Elena didn't want to be there at all and was refusing to speak to anyone. I have to admit I liked her like that; not because no one can understand the rubbish that comes out of her mouth when she does speak, but because the strong and silent attitude and that really tight dress made her quite attractive, though I was determined not to let on to her.

Perhaps a brief explanation is needed here. I am SPG inc. Some know me as the hapless insurance services worker doing all I can to look for a better job. Some know me as the ruthless head of the SPG corporation- suppliers of blackmail, stolen PS3's and novelty office furniture. Some know me as the half cyborg, half heartless elite F. F. net member; I was in the latter form at the time.

Dressed in my best black trench coat, silver edged three cornered hat, titanium chains and a bow tie that could spin round and flash, I had come to try and interview the cast of Dark Cloud, not an easy task; the only reason I wasn't carrying a piece is because I only own a single shot air pistol which wouldn't be much use if a fight started, which I was sure it would as everyone was eyeing each other suspiciously except for Paige who was trying to chat up Toan who in turn looked like he was going to be sick.

"Well everyone," I said, trying to sound cheerful even though I felt like peeing myself from the tension in the room. "welcome to the SPG interview. Glad you could make it."

The glares told me they wished they hadn't. I laughed nervously and moved to activate my bow tie to lighten the mood.

"You try to humor us and I'll make _you_ spin round and flash." someone hissed. Naturally I discarded the bow tie.

"S-s-s-so, let's get on with the...monster rat, what are you doing?"

The giant, purple, mutant rat creature had stood up and was now sniffing the air like a dog. Before anyone could do or say anything, Flotsam, Claude the fat villager from Nolun and the priest from Dark Cloud came into the room.

"Hey, why weren't we invited?" said Flotsam

"I must say I think I could make quite an input to this little interview if I was involved." said the priest.

"Anyone want to get in the shower with me?" said Claude. Toan and Paige sent him death glares.

"FAT PEOPLE! FOOD!" the monster rat bellowed.

There was a brief moment of pandemonium as the rat charge though the line of seated interviewees to attack the panicking intruders. When it was over the rat and it's prey had left the room, except for Claude's head which rolled across the floor to the applause of Toan and Paige; until it started asking someone to go out with it, which caused more panic until I threw it out and passed around a bottle of whiskey.

"Okay, first question," I said with more confidence, my frustration with all the craziness and losing a bottle of whiskey overtaking my fear. "Why the heck is there always a stupid fat guy in games and stuff?"

"That's not true. Your exaggerating." Sirus said in a voice that makes me cringe just thinking about it.

"No I'm not." I countered. "Think about. Claude and the priest in Dark Cloud, Ferdinand in Dark Chronicle, Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars, the jailer who got a bug in his brain in The Mummy, the fat computer worker in Jurassic Park, Hagrid in Harry Potter, Sam from Lord of the Rings, the fat guy who stands outside the item shop in Kingdom Hearts..."

"Are you sure there is?"

"Yes, and also those really fat Heartless minions. So why is it?"

There was total silence, apart from Gaspard drinking heavily from the whiskey bottle, till Seda said "Well, I suppose we just all like to abuse or laugh at all those inferior than ourselves, especially when we're unhappy at things like not being able to complete a game."

"Do we?" I said, surprised to get a clear answer.

"Yeah, here's an example. I'm fed up, I hit the cat," he hit a random cat, much to my disgust. "the cat claws the mouse," the random cat pounced on a random mouse. "the mouse bites Flag Gilster," just as he said, the mouse scurried up and bit the foot of Flag who had just walked in for no reason. "and finally at the very lowest depths of the chain, Flag throws a brick at..." I didn't hear the end of the sentence as a brick unexpectedly collided with the side of my head, distracting me momentarily.

I don't know where that brick came from, but I feel that in the future people will joke that somehow _I_ was considered to be at the bottom of the chain of important people (LOL, as if...)

"Okay," I said in a slightly dazed tone. "the next question is how do you know when you've been playing Dark Cloud too much?"

The answers brought me back to my senses in seconds.

"You learn the dance in the Dark Cloud introduction sequence, you run round town with sword or gun like its nothing, you take pictures of everyone and everything you meet, you try to carry everything you own in your pockets, whenever you go anywhere you take the longest, most boring and repetitive route you possibly can, you try to pay for everything in Gilda, you never speak and just use giant speech bubbles made of cardboard instead, every night you look at the stars and thank Crest for his brave sacrifice, you notice there's only one moon in the sky and totally freak out, you demand your father to admit that your mother is actually minus one hundred years younger than you, you have no fear of running at full speed towards a cliff edge, assuring everyone that an invisible wall will prevent you from coming to harm, you come out of your room after years of playing Dark Cloud and find you're hungry, tired, friendless and officially dead..."

I played it cool, but I was actually starting to feel afraid again. The thought that these people could so quickly come up with such thoughts gave me a feeling that I was sitting in a room with a bunch of lunatics. Still, at least I now new what to get them all for Christmas; straight-jacket pajamas and ten rolls of rubber wall paper.

"Okay, next. Why don't the games have any more 'adult' themes when they have such dark stories?"

"Hey man! Wha' yar mean!" Max yelled. Monica buried her face in her hands and silently moaned as Max continued.

"We have yar adult themes man! People keep callin' each other bastards in Dark Cloud." Sirus winced at the use of the 'B' word while Elena jumped up and started beating her son round the head with her weird feather duster (yet she still refused to speak).

"And there are gay people in Chronicle." grumbled Monica. Everyone stared at her in shock.

"Well there is." she whined. "Well at least Flotsam is."

Flotsam burst in at that point and shouted "I'M NOT GAY YOU LITTLE WHORE!"

"Yes you are!" agreed Seda. "Your just hiding it. You get any further into the closet and you'll be in freakin' Narnia!"

Flotsam looked desperately pissed, but didn't answer as Monica had jammed a sword in his chest for calling her a whore.

"Probably wasn't the best thing to ask." I said to myself, then to the rest "Right then. How do you people cope with the Toan/Paige/Xiao love triangle?"

Toan went pure white in under a second, while Paige leapt to her feet, her eyes bulging so much she had to hold them in place.

"WHAT? THAT'S NOT TRUE! TOAN HATES THAT STUPID CAT!"

Suddenly the random cat returned and transformed... into a brass band! (Only kidding. As you've guessed it transformed into Xiao)

"Oh does he? Well that's not what he said when I was rubbing my head against his thigh." Xiao smirked

Paige rounded on Toan and shouted "IS THAT TRUE!" before punching him and attacking Xiao, which then led to what can only be described as a cat fight.

"Now then." I ignored the fight and Seda's perverted staring at the two young girls. "What's the relationship like between Max, Monica, Gaspard and Sirus?" I said.

"Yeah we love each other man. Can't you feel the love?" slurred Gaspard, draping his arms around Max and Monica.

"Great," said Monica. "he's drunk. Thanks for the whiskey SPG."

"Yeah ya dick!" Max shouted, which caused Elena to start beating him again, which I was perfectly happy with as his language was becoming quite appalling.

"Hey, look at (hic) Max's head," Gaspard belched loudly. "Red looks pwetty (hic)."

"And the final question peeps!" I cried with ill deserved confidence, thinking I was coming to the end of this nightmare. "Why do you think fic writers always fail to write a complete novelisation of Dark Cloud and Dark Chronicle?"

Paige and Xiao stopped fighting. Elena stopped hitting Max. The rat blundered in with the remains of the priest. Everyone just sort of stared at me.

"What?" came a voice filled with suppressed rage.

"Personally," I said, blissfully unaware of the dark glares before me "I think people start those sort of fics but as soon as they start they realize that those sort of fics will simply be too boring for people to read with all that running round the dungeons."

Next thing I knew, everything exploded.

"WON'T MAKE FICS ABOUT MY ADVENTURES, HUH?" Toan screamed.

"AFTER ALL I WENT THOUGH!" Monica shouted.

"YA'LL FOOLS!" yelled Max

In no time at all there was a riot. My faithful bodyguards rushed in to save me, which only made things worse, and soon I found myself fighting for my life with a drunken Gaspard. Believe me, it's no fun struggling with an intoxicated human/changeling hybrid. If there's one thing worse than a dark assassin, it's a _drunk_ dark assassin threatening to be sick all over you. Fortunately, I easily dispatched him.

In the end, my method of escaping the chaos was not something to be proud of, but I'll tell you anyway.

As luck would have it I happened to have a one hundred thousand volt pocket/purse size taser which I bought for my dear Mother's birthday in case she ever needed to defend herself from an unsavoury character. Being only ten centimetres long and holding only two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, I thought _'That won't cause too much damage'_ and I somehow came up with the amazing idea that if I knocked myself out with this no one would bother to attack me. The manual said a one second burst would shock and disorientate your attacker, and I thought a one second burst from this cute little thing couldn't be all that bad.

So in desperation to escape the riot I'd caused, I held the taser to my thigh and pressed the button.

HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure the Macho brothers ran in at that point and body slammed me into the floor over and over again. Note to all readers: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, beware there is no such thing as a one second burst. You will continue to zap yourself till the taser is dislodged from your hand by violently thrashing around on the floor.

Some time later I woke up to find that everyone had gone except for Xiao who was in her cat form and mewing at me as if to say _'Do it again! Do it again!'_. I gathered my wits (what was left of them) and surveyed the room.

My glasses were bent out of shape and wrapped around the light (how did they get there?), my triceps, right thigh and both nipples were twitching, my eyes felt like they had been sprayed with mace, my bottom lip weighed eighty-eight lbs, and as far as I could tell my testicles were no where to be found.

I'm offering a significant reward for there safe return, and rest assured I am NEVER doing an interview again.

Still in shock,

SPG inc.

**The End**

_**Well, not the best fic but could have been worse. Please R 'n' R, even if you hate it. Thanks to Yu-Yu for the closet, and some guy called Richard for inspiration.**_

_**PS. While writing this fic, I discovered something quite bizarre. It seems you're not allowed to write the name of this website in fics.**_


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